[Sole Inspiration] Married Life is for Losers?

Hi there!

Happy rest day!  I know that at first glance, this blog looks like a style/fashion blog.  It is, but as I have said, I believe that shoes inspire fashion and life in general - taking us on a journey.  Even though I love fashion, who I am is more than that...so here is part of my journey.

When my eldest daughter recommended this article to me, I sort of cringed when I read the title.  Thoughts like, "Oh my, have I totally turned her off to marriage?" or, "She thinks we're losers!" flashed through my mind. I am so proud of my daughter; she is so wise for her age and I learn so much from her.  When I read this article, it truly touched my heart, and even though I "know" all these things, how it was presented just clicked with me.  I understood that in loosing, we can actually win in our marriages.

Marriage Is For Losers

When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both spouses are competing to win, and it’s a duel to the death. Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to silence.  The second kind of marriage is ripe with winning and losing, but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse...and in the process, both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity.

But there is a third kind of marriage. The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most...to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other.  These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful. 

Because we live in a culture in which losing is the enemy, we wake up to news stories about domestic disputes gone wrong. We fight to have the best stuff, in the best name brands, and when we finally look at each other at the end of the day, we fight, because we are trained to do nothing else...for the validating stamp of a world with one message: win.


In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heart ache rather than a solution.  It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times. It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong. It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily. It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway.        
  
Maybe marriage, when it’s lived by two losers in a household culture of mutual surrender, is just the training we need to walk through this world. Maybe we need to be formed in such a way that winning loses its glamour, that we can sacrifice the competition in favor of people. Maybe what we need, really, is to become a bunch of losers in a world that is being a torn apart by the competition to win. If we did that, maybe we’d be able to sleep a little easier at night, look our loved ones in the eyes, forgive and forget, and clap for the people around us.

Excerpted and paraphrased from  drkellyflanagan.  To read the complete article, click here.

Photo (left):  My husband and I in Spring 1984 at our "first date" during our college freshman year (Like the matching tie with the dress?  This is so old that "teal" is back in!  I have been seeing this color all over the place!  Oh and the wrist corsage...nice, isn't it?)   Photo (right): Me and my husband in December 2011 during a family cruise in the Caribbean. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 23 years now, and we have been through the first two types of marriage, and are now working on the third type.  I love how Dr.  Flanagan states that the third type of marriage is not perfect, but a decision has been made to love each other.

No matter who we are, we all have our issues, our "stuff", whether in marriage or just in life, but as a dear friend of mine said, "The past is in the past...".  We need to continue on; grow and learn, and find that joy and peace in whatever we believe in.

I hope that this inspired you to move forward through your journey, no matter what you have been through or what challenges you face.  Thank you for sharing this moment with me and I look forward to any comments or suggestions you may have for me.  Thank you for being part of my journey!

See you later!

Cheryl